labelleizzy: (Default)
[personal profile] labelleizzy
Homework: write list of affirmation (I am, Liz is, Lizzie, you are)

Lara wants me to write lists of affirmations, and she said by using different ways to access the brain new things can come to light. so, first person, third person, second person.

I've done something similar before in exercises to access my subconscious mind. Feri calls that part of us, Fetch, also known as Child-self. Fetch is the part of ourselves that cannot be accessed by words or logic, it's nonverbal, responds to and communicates by way of sensory input and feelings: colors, smells, texture, I like, I don't like, crying, laughing.

anyway. that's kind of a digression, but not entirely so.

and welp, I don't really have any idea how to do affirmations. We were doing some short breathing meditations on Thursday and she was talking me through it and one thing she said was to "celebrate your successes" and my brain just... like a needle scratch across a 45 record. Like those words, they didn't parse.

1) Celebrate ME?
and
2) I don't even know what success IS. How can I grasp it long enough to celebrate it, and note 1).

*sour face*

I know that is entirely the wrong way to go about this assignment. I'm okay with being stuck for the moment.

Arbitrarily I'm picking TEN as how many genuine affirmations I have to come up with. I'm going to go look up the proper definition, and I'm going to promise myself to not be weasel worded with my list.

I want to be authentic, and to really give myself a frame.

I spend entirely too much time in my head, chewing over all the ways I'm certain I've fucked up, broken things, made irredeemable or unforgivable mistakes. I'm not even very good at faking that I think I'm all that.

The one thing I have going for me right now with regard to my mental health, is my vivid memories of how shitty the inside of my head used to be, before therapy, before beloved friends taught me about community and ritual, before I learned some new coping skills and strategies to get around my constant mental noise and chaos.

I do know that I'm LOTS better than I was 20 years ago.
that can be my first affirmation, because it's definitely true.

I am healthier stronger and I cope much better with my life and my stress than I did 20 years ago (@ age 27)
I am proud of myself for my commitment to my own physical fitness, health and well being. Go me!
I am in love with moving my body in beautiful and pleasurable ways.
I am looking forward to growing older in strength, passion, and my hopes to help fix the world.

Liz is learning to balance generosity with self care and not be a fucking martyr.
Liz is no longer in love with or clinging to her own pain.
Liz is worth someone wanting to get to know her and share dreams together.
Liz is getting over her fear of trying new things that she nonetheless WANTS (yay ukelele! yay dating!)

Lizzie, you are kind and generous and you're learning to be gentle.
Lizzie, you are welcome in the world, there is space for you to contribute and be useful and loved.
Lizzie, you are big hearted and creative, with a million ideas and possible solutions.
Lizzie, you are continuing to forge your own path and it's gonna be hard, but you can definitely do this thing.


I have a community. I have a safe home. I have ... security. And that's all still hard to believe sometimes, since I know there are old riverbeds in which it's easy to let the waters run... but I've chosen a new watercourse, and I'm using what I have to try to make a difference, instead of dwelling and staying stuck in my old crapola. I'm strong enough. I'm flexible enough. I'm determined enough, and I'm creative enough.

I wrote a poem on May 4.
it looks better in the handwriting but here it is:

SELF LOVE
is a
RADICAL ACT
of
REBELLION
against
THE POWERS THAT BE
who want you and us to
FEEL HELPLESS
TRAPPED
POWERLESS
LONELY, UNLOVED
WORTHLESS STUCK

LOVING YOURSELF
FEELS GOOD and is
GOOD FOR YOU and can
LET YOU HEAL all your WOUNDS

Saturday Yardening

Jun. 24th, 2017 02:27 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
 Today is beautiful, cool and breezy.  I took some pictures.  We are planning a Midsummer ritual later today so I don't know if I'll get much else done.
balsamandash: River Tam (Firefly) laying on the ground and looking up (ff] ghosts & clouds & nameless things)
[personal profile] balsamandash
I missed Midsummer, but I hope anyone who celebrated had a good one.

My brain has been doing weird things the last couple of days. I could definitely be worse, but it's still annoying, and also not making it easy to get stuff done. I'm hoping to fix that today, so we'll see what happens. I really want to watch things, but I keep telling myself to do things first, so that may or may not ever actually happen. Also on the list of things I can't do while getting stuff done: sleeping, reading, Flight Rising, and listening to the same two songs over and over.

I will learn how to focus someday. I swear I will. Maybe.
labelleizzy: (Default)
[personal profile] labelleizzy
I am sorry that it took me this long to recognize how patient you were with me, and how hard you tried to trust me and to let me be a part of your lives. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for us to continue being friends. Despite the pain we ended up causing each other, there was some good stuff there that I miss. But we really had so many communication problems that I really think it was for the best to end things and cut contact.

I don't want to see you or talk to either of you anymore, because we both broke each other's trust in the process of progressive miscommunication. And I don't spend more time than I have to anymore with people who I can't trust not to hurt me.

I wish you as well with your lives as is possible under the circumstances, and may you not break trust again as you broke mine; may I never break another's trust again as I broke yours.

Super-Queers

Jun. 24th, 2017 01:38 am
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
 [personal profile] bairnsidhe has been writing a setting called Super-Queers.  Check out "Questions" and "Under the Hood."  If you like Polychrome Heroics, you'll probably love this.

Fireflies!

Jun. 23rd, 2017 09:05 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
 Tonight is moist and mild.  There are fireflies everywhere!  :D  Also some fireworks to the west of us.
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
The June 6, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl made its $200 goal, so you get a free epic. Everyone is eligible to vote in this poll. I'll keep it open until at least Saturday midday. If there's a clear answer then, I'll close it. Otherwise I may leave it open longer.

These are the eligible epics.

"So Closely Allied"
Twins Phoebe and Floyd have an unusual connection and superpowers enhanced through touch.
164 lines, $82

"As We Have Created It"
Not all dragons are necessarily monsters.
84 lines, $42


Poll #18523 Free Epic for June 6, 2017 Poetry Fishbowl
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 15


Which of these should be the free epic?

View Answers

"So Closely Allied"
6 (40.0%)

"As We Have Created It"
9 (60.0%)

Garden Photos

Jun. 23rd, 2017 12:55 am
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
 There are two batches of photos from Thursday, one of flowers and one of nests.

Garden Photos

Jun. 22nd, 2017 08:27 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
I posted two batches of garden photos from Monday, one of flowers and one of birds

Thursday Yardening

Jun. 22nd, 2017 06:10 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Today is cloudy, cool, and breezy.  Earlier I took pictures.

I planted two lemon thyme plants in the Goddess Garden, and watered potted plants. 

New verses in "A Hope and a Promise"

Jun. 22nd, 2017 02:55 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Damask smiling over their shoulder (polychrome)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Thanks to a donation from [personal profile] dialecticdreamer, there are 15 new verses in "A Hope and a Promise."   Mrs. Ozenne and Aidan talk about school and play options.  Saraphina talks about her terrible past.  (Toddler phrasing, but graphic description of witnessed violence.)
ysabetwordsmith: Damask smiling over their shoulder (polychrome)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
This poem was commissioned by [personal profile] dialecticdreamer. It also fills the "Farce" square in my 4-19-16 card for the [community profile] genprompt_bingo fest. It belongs to the Damask thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.

Read more... )

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